Words sting

Why do words sting?
Why do they embed themselves in my mind?
Why do I play them on repeat?
Why do I seek truth in them, when all they do is hurt?

Despite being criticized for my lack of a Monday through Friday job, I also got told,

"it's taking you a long time to lose weight," - how about some compassion?  How about some acknowledgment that 10 pounds is nothing to laugh at? How about some understanding, and support?

"you and J need some parenting classes," - how about some understanding? How about remembering that raising children is all time consuming, and that we all just do the best we can.  How about support? Words of encouragement would be nice.

I have a meeting at work soon, and this meeting is my chance to confront a co-worker about her behavior.  I was initially so mad with her, that I couldn't speak to her for weeks, and I had to have a meeting scheduled because I didn't feel like I could sit down with her by asking to speak with her.  Right now I am not angry, I am cautious about what words I use and how I use them.  I am trying to control my anger, and feel compassion.  I am trying to be understanding and open to what she will have to say. 

If I can do that, why can't other people give me the same courtesy?
Am I just whining?
Why does my heart get hurt so by words?

Everyone's opinion

"Look for a job with better hours," - my work hours are just fine

"Look for a job with weekends off," - that would be nice, and it'll happen eventually, for work purposes right now, the days off I have are great! I'm gone on two of the BUSIEST days.

"Look for a job with weekends off so you can have Sundays off, so you can have a family day, so you can take the kids to church, so you can have dinner together," - Sunday off would be nice because J is home, going to church would be nice and convenient on a Sunday.  We have a family dinner every single day off the week, you can't beat that.

"Well, Sunday is a family day at our house, and it's so nice, we all have dinner together and unplug from the phones and computers," - again, we have dinner as a family EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK, we never text while eating, we never check e-mail while eating, one day I will have Sunday's off and that would be nice.

"Well, if you had weekends off just like J the kids would be in daycare five days a week instead of three, that's a lot of days at daycare."

!!!!!!!!!!!ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I have learned over the years just to take these conversations as they come, say my peace, and then keep on moving on with what works for my family.

Everyone has a suggestion, and everyone has an opinion.
The choice is mine.
I wish I didn't have to listen to these suggestions or opinions, but I can't control that, and that just has to be OK.

Daily

Here is what I wrote in my journal last night to post on the blog:
Blog entry:
All I want to do is read and write.
I want to have coffee with my real friends.
Friends it took me years to find.
Glossy magazines always end up in my grocery basket.
Quiet time.
Time to write.
Time to daydream.
I am booking a short vacation in May, just in time for my birthday, and all I want is beach, quiet, reading.
That's all I want.

Enter the girl on the left today.
Today she challenged me, just by being her sweet self.
We bounced on that trampoline for at least an hour.
We screamed, laughed, fell, tickled, played pretend.
At one point I just couldn't believe how completely blessed I am, and how utterly lucky I am to have her be my daughter.
My body was so tired today.
Work was horrendous the last couple days.
I could only do 30 minutes of cardio today.
Yet when she asked me to jump on that trampoline today, all this energy came to me.
I thought of all the times that she's asked me to play with her and I've said "in a minute," or "mommy doesn't feel good."
These are truth, but they are also excuses for me not to play.
Today felt so good.
Today felt like such a blessing.
To more days like this.
May her love continue to open me up in beautiful ways.

Good world

I get discouraged and sad almost every time I look into the mirror.
Especially when I see my major belly.
Today my legs feels so strong after yesterday's work out, but then I caught a glimpse of my belly, and it almost feels like it looks worse than before.
I know in the looks department this may be true, but I need to focus on the long term goal of losing weight. 

I have banned the watching of television at home while the kids are awake.  Especially O.  She asked me the other day why all the people on TV had blood on their faces.  Somehow I got lucky and changed the topic quickly.  She's 3.  I can't tell her what I want to tell her, how I am feeling.  With my job in corrections, I also see people that are not at the best place in their lives, and us corrections folks can and do become very jaded.  I have read enough blog posts now to know that the world itself is not bad.  Individual people are. 

These kids are good. 
These kids are love.
These kids are my reason for fighting being jaded, and cynical, and given up on humanity.
These kids were exhausted after a play date :)

(Please ignore the broken window in the background...our neighbors were having some issues. They are gone now and the hubby and I are hoping for nice neighbors.)

That is also the house we thought about buying and then flipping.  Tomorrow we go see a friend's house, which I adore, but I want the hubby to see.  Then we're going to make a decision of what we are doing and where.

Happy weekend everyone.
I hope you find love all around you.

Could it be?

There are moments in my life where everything feels overwhelming.
I cry, talk to the hubby and friends about it.
I set new and positive intentions for each and every day.
That's the good.
The bad is that I fall into my old habits: self doubt, over-eating, self hate talk, etc.
The bad is also that I don't always stop the bad from getting out of control.  I push it, push myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, to some sort of a breaking point.
The last few days all I've wanted was to hide.
I want to hide from the world, from my loved ones, from myself.
I had a serious thinking session with myself.
I remember exactly when this wanting to hide feeling started: O was 3 months old, and my post-partum depression (PPD) exploded all over my life.  All I wanted to do then was run and hide.  All I want to do now is run and hide.  This got me thinking.  Although LJ is 14 months now, what if this is some part of PPD?  What if this little, tiny, yet oh so powerful voice telling me to run and hide is something more than me thinking I'm weak, and depressed, and a bad mother.
I have the tools.
I have the knowledge.
I have the willingness to fight and win this battle with many less scars than the first time around.
I am not afraid to talk about it.  I'm not afraid to be out with it.  I am not afraid to call my doctor and set up an appointment for a little chat.  She saved my life (and I mean literally) when I went to her after O.

I am in the midst of reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, and let me tell you, this woman will have me restarting the feminist movement.  So far I agree with all she has written.  So far I have opened my mouth to anyone and everyone who has said anything demeaning about women.  I think she's making me stronger.  I think she's helping me with my low moods and energy.  I feel like for once someone is telling the truth and not sugar coating anything.

For the sake of creating

I bought this wooden picture frame months ago at Michael's.  I painted it red and had a gazillion ideas for it.  Yesterday I could no longer look at it just sitting there, and I knew I would not be actually putting a picture in it.  I made a small cork board.  I used the adhesives that come with the cork boards to just stick it behind the frame.  It fits just right on the wall by our new desk arrangement.

 

 

This wooden plaque was going to be the end of me, but I finally did something with it couple weeks ago.  The felt flowers on the right?  Oh, let me tell you...they've been near death (trash) SO many times.  They kept falling off anything and everything.  I did not have the heart to throw them out.  BAM! Combined two "I will never use this" projects together, and now it's hanging on my gallery wall.

 

Don't get scared.  OK, they do look creepy.  Yes, you can buy anything and everything Star Wars oriented, including Darth Vader heads filled with Jelly Beans.  The hubby got them as a gift from one of his co-workers.  I have a plan for them, but was unable to find all the supplies I need.  So now they wait! 

 

 

Owning up

Today I read a blog post about keeping it real, but with a bit more of the SUNNY side out.
Today I read a blog post about keeping it real, with pictures of real life, a bit more on the REAL side.
I fall in between.
What I have learned in real life today is that I take my husband for granted too much.
He has fallen sick with the flu, and as I found myself making dinner, cleaning the kitchen, bathing the kids, cleaning, I kept thinking who does this when I don't?
The hubby does.
No, not all of it, but since I'm on the Jenny Craig diet, all I have to do is nuke my food and make a salad.
When it's bath time, I usually trick him into bathing both kids, while I "pretend" to be cleaning the kitchen.  I do clean it, but usually after I hear the shower turn off.  When he suggests a 15 minute cleaning frenzy, I bitch and moan for about half an hour before, during and after the cleaning, yet I enjoy the clean house.  My intention is to be more involved around the house.  I take myself too seriously in my role as a working mom.  Yes, my job is hard, physical, dangerous, exhausting.  I usually work 40 + hours a week.  Although the hubby's schedule is a bit better, as he gets weekends off and is not allowed overtime, he still works 40 hours outside of the house.  He still works with a lot of the same people I do, so as much as my job is dangerous and exhausting, his is too.  I don't think I give him enough credit.  I truly don't.  I can be all I'm A Woman Hear Me Roar, but truly most of the time I'm just a little kitty cat meowing in the background when I don't get my way.  Time to own up to my stuff. 

We will not be buying the house next door, although we've decided this is something we want to look into.  We have a couple bills to pay off, and a couple things to straighten out before we commit to a major hobby/second job like re-doing houses.  I am just so happy that the re-do bug has got my husband (as well as the flu bug which that I am not happy about).  I think this is a beginning of something!

Here are the two art pieces I made the other day:

A couple robot friends

This was inspired by a design on our bedroom curtains